Armed with the latest revisions to my common sense boundary agreement, I walked into my counselor’s office wanting her opinion to make sure I was being fair to Devin and myself.
The last few months in our home have become increasingly difficult and I have used all of the recovery tools I have at my disposal but still, my patience was wearing thin and I needed help finding my inner peace, detaching with love, and focusing on me.
Instead, I found I was engaging in petty arguments, worried about the mess in the spare room again, the papers in the bedroom, his hobby. I couldn’t let go.
I knew resentment was building within me as he sold one item then bought another. I felt the anger within me rise when he would bring home more DVDs or books or magazines and put them in the spare room then speak of money woes.
I wanted to set boundaries on transparency about his spending habits and broken promises about cleaning up the clutter, which is becoming a mess again. My counselor quickly advised me against it once I told her about the purchases in greater detail.
Our last session with her had been a marriage counseling session. Devin and I were able to discuss what I had just dumped in her lap and she had already seen pictures I had taken of the spare room and our bedroom. While we were both in the session, Devin said he could see how the spending could become a problem but didn’t think it was at this time. He could see procrastinating getting the rooms cleaned up becoming a problem but didn’t think it was at this time. Sunshine and rainbows.
My counselor said the words I’ve said on here countless times and it has boggled my mind ever since she said them: "Denial" and "Shifted Addiction". I knew it already but I suppose when it comes out of a professional’s mouth, well, it becomes real. She feels he is having a problem living sober, like a dry drunk. Without a good recovery in place he’s lost and has shifted his addiction and may be, Dear God this pains me to write but I know he can get help, OCD with the beginning signs of hoarding. It’s attributed to depression, ADD, and FOO issues – all of which he has. She feels he is in a precarious place right now.
The good news? He started a medication last week and our counselor thinks this may help with the OCD in conjunction with his recovery. She asked me to give him a few months before I make any decisions and that is what I will do.
I will continue to go to counseling and my S-Anon meetings. I will focus on my recovery work. I will write my novel and work on not feeling guilty for not being able to work. I will allow myself ME time. I will continue to love Devin and remember I am not responsible for his recovery and I am free to leave at anytime if it doesn’t improve.
As of now, I am finding my inner peace again, I am finding laughter and joy with my kids and with Devin, I am reaching out to friends and remembering, it’s one day at a time. Progress, not perfection.