“Elsie, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.”
“Leave me alone.”
“C’mon, you know it’s for your own good.”
“No you aren’t. You’re scared.”
“Testy, testy. Let’s work on someone else, how about that?”
“I don’t feel like it. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
“That’s what you said yesterday and the day before. You also said you were going to write in your novel, blog, be more active with your recovery to get past this bump.”
“Back off! I thought I’d do yoga and read. Instead, I went to a S-Anon meeting and then I read. I didn’t have the energy to do yoga right now. I don’t have energy to much of anything.”
“You’re making excuses.”
“I know. I know. It’s easier to avoid this particular issue than it is to deal with it head on. You’re right. I’m not doing myself any good by pretending it’s not there, it’s time to dig my heels in and face it despite how much pain it will cause me.”
That is an example of the inner dialogue I’ve had with myself the last week or so after I accidently ran into a road block while making a list of the people I need to make amends to for my step work.
I was in the process of doing a resentment prayer for someone else on my list and felt peaceful inside and BAM I started writing down another person I felt I owed amends. As I began writing down the whys of my amends to this person an old hurt began to surface, one that I barely touched on in my forth step, and I had to stop writing.
I realized the hurt surrounding the entire situation was deep and although it didn’t involve this person directly, I sought that person’s guidance later on and was told to “get over it” and it’s not something one just gets over, especially as a child.
I know I must do a resentment prayer for this person too but first and foremost, I must figure out how to overcome the hurt that was done to me as a child. I must figure out how to move forward, or as the person said, “get over it”, but in a healthy way, thirty years later.
The incident itself was painful and is for me to share with my counselor, my sponsor and my group, but not on my blog right now. I shared it with my counselor, almost in passing, last week, and she confirmed it was abuse. I’ll meet with her again on Monday and go into more depth with her on how to overcome this obstacle I’ve run into but I know doing what I’ve been doing, avoiding it, isn’t healthy.
I need to confront it, I need to deal with it and I need to carry on. I have to get back on track by doing the things I love to do: writing, blogging, reading, yoga and most important, spending time with my family and being present.
There are times when I find doing my step work extremely challenging and this is one of those times. However, I know once I’m done, it will also be rewarding.
Thank God for rockin' counselors!